Torment
by hislips
Summary: "Responsibilities? I am not good at it... I don't even want to have one, especially with someone whom I don't have feelings for.. You do understand that? Right, Nodame?"
1. Chapter 1: Damned

**Author's Note:** As I promised, I will write a story to compensate for the other fic I didn't finished. I hope you like this one. I will try to update this _**everyday**_ so, I know it will sound selfish but, I will expect for reviews, positive feed back and suggestions. I missed writing! Hope you'll enjoy! :)

**Warning: **Not betaread so I apologize for the grammar mistakes. Again, English was not my first language. You can pick up my errors but please do it in a kind way. I will also appreciate it if someone in this site will volunteer to be my beta-reader. :)

**Disclaimer:** Nodame Cantabile is not mine. :)

**DAMNED**

I'm pretty sure it was already late morning. I opened my eyes only to be blinded by the soaring sun, almost so bright and hot. Nonetheless I opened them trying to adjust my sight. I never woke up this late.

I heard some pounding sound close to my ears, only to realize that it was my own head, pounding because of headache.

Headache? Oh yeah… Hangover.

I vaguely remembered what had happened but there are images playing in my mind. The Roux-Marlet playing a beautiful Brahm piece, a concerto? Nodame playing Beethoven, Chopin and Debussy's Claire de Lune, a recital? Tanya and Kuroki with me and Nodame, we were drinking a lot. I wonder what we are drinking for, maybe for a celebration.

I put a hand over my head and space off trying to put the images together and it dawned to me.

Right.

A concerto with Roux-Marlet and exactly after that, Nodame's recital in one of those prestigious hotels in Paris. I came late of course but the mongoose woman was still happy even though I only saw and hear half of her performance. That fact is something she needed not to know of.

We went to a club to celebrate because the woman said it was the greatest performance she had so far. Really, she has more potential and whatever achievement she had that night will be nothing when the time comes. She has so much talent in her only if she just pays attention and concentrate on it.

We drink, a lot, I think. After that, the only thing I remembered is the sound of giggling, gasping and moans. Then a pair of smooth legs and the contour of ones shoulder came to view, bare lily white shoulders and a faint scent of vanilla frost and lavender.

Wait… _what?_

Bare lily white shoulders and a mixture of vanilla and lavender scent? Nobody I know in Paris has that kind of complexion and scent unless… it was… _Nodame?_

_Shit!_

I nearly jump at the realization but a body hovering slightly over me kept me from doing so.

_SHIT!_

Behold, Nodame's _naked_ sleeping form!

The realization streaked me like cold water waking me from my trance and making me ignore all of the aches I am currently feeling because of the bad hangover.

That realization was not yet sinking deep when I remembered something that made me shake all through my insides and limbs.

I search through the sheets not even bothering if she will wake up, after all, she was a heavy sleeper.

I turn over all the blankets my hands can get ignoring the just-realized fact that I have nothing on but my own skin and the nudeness of the woman soundly sleeping beside me.

It didn't take time for me to find what I am searching for because it was clearly visible on the white sheets. There it is, spots.

Tiny brown spots scattered in some part of the sheets. Dried blood spots from yesterday's night where she bled from our deed.

_FUCK!_

Now I remembered that I just don't have memories of giggling, gasping and moaning sounds but also cries and sobs.

_God, _how did it come to this?

I have dreams, big dreams and I am determined to make it all come true no matter what it takes and no matter what or who I lose as long as it is not important.

The mongoose woman, Nodame is not not important but also not _that_ important. I have to admit that the woman was close to me. I might even consider her as more than a best friend to me but that's it. Any romantics feelings for her, if there are any, will not be entertained. My career is my priority and I don't have the pleasure and the time to drag something so dragging along the way.

But this happening is too much for any of my expectations, as a matter of fact, I don't see this coming along, but this, _this _is happening.

_This isn't happening…_

I don't want her to think that I should take responsibility for what had happened. Unfortunately, I know that no matter how unorganized she was, she was the most decent of the entire woman I had relationship with, if 'relationship' is what you called to what we have. I just know that she just didn't give her whole being to someone she had relationship with unless she loves her truly. And did she love me truly? Flattering but knowing her, she wants that amount of love she gives to the amount of love she must receive, and that is where the problem is.

I am not sure of my feeling for her or anything and I don't want responsibilities in any romantic fields.

Cruel as it sounds but, I hope she was as drunk as me that night and mistakenly give herself to me making me escape with no cost, but if not, that's when I can say, I am _so damned_.

* * *

So 838 words.. Wow.. I made it longer contrary to what I like, shorter. Hehehe.. But I hope I can have feed back.. Just press the button down there.. Hehehe.. review okay? I'll update tomorrow.. Ja ne! xD


	2. Chapter 2: Assumption

**Author's Note:** I am not satisfied with this chapter but nonetheless, I should upload this. This is from Nodame's point of view. I promised to update this everyday right? Well, I'll change that... Hehehe... It will be always weekdays so Saturday and Sunday wont have any updates. Saturday is possible but Sunday, I don't think so.. :) So I hope I can get more reviews and feedbacks. Thank you and enjoy! ;)

**Warning:** Still not betaread so please don't be harsh with the comments... I can still improve you know! Just give a chance... ;)

**Disclaimer:** You know the drill... ;)

**ASSUMPTION**

I felt coldness took over my body and it made me shiver. I wonder what was the cause of this chilling. Is it winter already? No, it is four months before the winter season come. Am I lacking of any blankets? No, I feel the blanket under my body. Ah… now that I am aware of it, I know I don't have anything on my skin. Yes, I still have my eyes closed but that doesn't mean I don't feel the cool sheet pressing onto my skin to become aware of what state of undress there I am.

I remembered everything that happened yesterday night. It was still fresh in my mind, all of what had happened between him and me.

We celebrate after my most successful recital so far, of course due to my demand, Tanya and Kuroki-kun were there too. Tanya was singing her heart out and I remember Chiaki-sempai drinking too much. He was so drunk to the point that I have to wrap my arms around him while we are walking to his apartment just to keep him from stumbling. It's a good thing that I didn't drink anything aside from a glass of wine or it will be much harder.

We came to his apartment because I know he preferred to have a clean view when he woke up from hangover the next morning. I am sure he will have a terrible hangover.

I search for his apartment keys in his coat pocket and when I finally found it and opened the door, he suddenly pounced on me making me lean my back on the wall.

I winced and was about to complain when I suddenly feel his soft lips over mine.

He was a good kisser and I can't help myself to give in. My knees turned liquid and I'm afraid I won't hold on to my strength any longer but his arms found my waist as he holds me close to his frame. The next thing I know, we are both in his bed. He was over me and while he kissed me hungrily, I feel his hand tugging on my coat and dress and it only took him quite awhile to take everything off leaving me only in my skin.

It was a pleasurable feeling. I remembered his bare skin touching mine, I remembered moaning in his ministrations and I remembered crying when he first enters me.

I know I bleed that time and sooner, I have to apologize for the mess it will make, but for that moment, I can't help but to shake at the wonderful feeling Chiaki-sempai has given me.

"Mukya!"

The giggle can't help but to emit when the object of my attention came in my mind, Chiaki-sempai.

I opened my eyes expecting to see his sleeping form next to mine, but I see none. Now it explains why I feel cold. The source of my warmth was nowhere in sight.

"Gyabo…" sadness took over me but it didn't last long when I smelled the aroma of fresh brewed coffee and the sizzling sound of sautéed tomatoes and onions. He was still here in his apartment, making breakfast.

Smiling, I decided to get up and leap from the bed ignoring the ache between my legs. I clothe myself with my dress from last night that I found abandoned somewhere in the floor.

I walked to the kitchen and found him, his back facing to me. He was attentive in his cooking as he added some eggs in the pan. I think it was the same pan where he was sautéing the tomatoes and onion. I am not good in cooking and I am a bad cook but I think Chiaki-sempai was making omelet.

"Hau.."

He must've not sense my presence because he jerked when he heard my weird expression, nonetheless he regained his composure and proceed with his work.

"Good morning…" he said. His voice hold no cheerfulness or energy, it sounded tired. Maybe the hangover was bad.

"Good morning Chiaki-sempai!" I greeted. I stand still, waiting for any reactions. Assuming for something, I don't know, maybe something from yesterday's event?

I had nothing after waiting for minutes.

"A-ano.. Chiaki-sempai…" I broke the silence, "About the sheets, Nodame is sorry for the stains…"

I smiled apologetically but he didn't even look at me. I know he heard me because he flinched and stop what he was doing but he didn't look at me.

He won't look at me… Like he didn't _want to_...

I feel something, something that is not good. I can't help it, I want to hear something from him. Something, _anything!_

"Sempai…" I swallowed my suddenly dry throat, "about last night… It was-"

"It was crazy Nodame." He cut me off. _What?_

I stared at him, surprised. He stared back.

"It was crazy Nodame, we are both drunk and we do something crazy." He laughed it off but it was a strain one.

He smiled, an apologetic one. What does that mean? I want to say something, but my voice won't come out. I can't comprehend. What is happening? What was he thinking?

The breakfast was now prepared and he served it in the table. He started to avert his eyes to me again.

"Coffee and orange juice are good for hangovers, bread and eggs too. You need some proteins so you should eat all this serving. I also have some medicine in the-"

"Nodame don't have hangover Sempai…" I cut him off. "Nodame didn't drink too much last night. Nodame don't have any headache or any bad feeling that involves by drinking to much alcohol…"

I am determined to make him realized that what happened was not _crazy. _I give it all, I am aware of it, I let him do it, I love him.

Again, I wait for any reactions but the only thing I receive is aversion and denial in his eyes.

I bit my bottom lip so hard enough to make it draw blood.

"I see…" he finally spoke. I look at him with hope but the only thing in my vision was him putting on his coat and heading to the door.

"I still have to coordinate something with the orchestra." He said.

Liar. You are just running away.

"Just leave the dishes in the sink when you are done eating. Also lock the doors when you leave."

He didn't even look at me as he disappears from my sight.

I continue to stare at the door. All I can feel is hurt from his repugnance. I thought things will turn out to be good. I thought he wanted it. I thought he loves me too.

It hurts. I assume too much.

* * *

Was it OOC? I will not know unless you review... So please review! Just press the button down there... Hehehe... Thank you for the anonymous reader that reviewed the last chapter. :) And yes, Chiaki is a cruel jerk here, but wait until you read what will happened that will make him rattle... :D Till then, Ja Ne!


	3. Chapter 3: Complication

**Author's Note: **So sorry for the late update! Apparently, I became busy in my work that's why I didn't update that sooner. Do you know that I am doing this in my free time in the office? Only in my free time though! Hahaha! What can I say? I love writing that I wrote stories that formed in my mind disregarding of where I am, so please let me do this! Please enjoy! :D

**Warning: **Possible OOC-ness and grammar mistakes. Apparently, even though I love writing, my grammars were not good so please pardon me. I am not yet improving but I know someday I will and I can feel it will be soon! Hehehe...

**Disclaimer: **You know the drill... ;)

**COMPLICATION**

I left her in my house with nothing but empty words of reminders.

God! When did I become so cruel?

Clearly, she was expecting of what I wanted to ignore.

_Damn…_

I never knew that something as commitment or responsibility to what had happened yesterday night will lead me to act this jerk.

Great. Just great.

The drive from my apartment to the office usually takes forty-five minutes but it took me more than that. I have to drive slowly because my head is still aching. I love drinking wine, the after effect was something I don't.

I arrived at the office one hour and seventeen minutes later and go straight to the archives to grab some documents. Nobody is with me, probably still sleeping from yesterday's performance.

I know, I lied.

The Roux-Marlet didn't have any meeting or any coordination for this day. I lied because I needed to get away from her… and to think.

I already have the documents in my hands so, what now? My business here is done. What now?

Perhaps it's the time to think about what had happened this morning. But the thoughts, I can't put it together! I don't want to be cruel, but I don't want to give her anything that she can misunderstand too.

Yes, what happened last night was _maybe_ to my liking. I am a man after all, I am also attracted to her, I just don't know to what aspect I am attracted to.

I sat on my swiveling chair and let my tensed muscle relax. Staring at the ceiling, I let my thoughts wonder.

Her body, her skin and her respond. She also told me that she loves me. Damn! I feel myself heating up! Why is this happening? I can't let my walls down! I can't drag her with me!

I need some help. Someone to talk to.

Mom? No, when she found out what had happened, she'll push me to marry the woman.

Maestro Stresseman? No, that old pervert will just make perverted comments about it.

Maestro Vierra? No, he did not need to know that.

Mine? Hell no! That immature bastard can't understand me or my situation!

Then it dawned to the final one.

I get my phone from my pocket and pressed button five.

"Halo?"

I heard him say.

"Kuroki, it's Shinichi." I paused for a while, "sorry to disturb you this morning but, can we talk?"

* * *

I stared at the empty small cup of my espresso. The caffeine jolt me awake but it didn't took out the disturbed, confused and sick feeling I am feeling right now.

The café here near Conservatoire is nice, this is where Kuroki told me to meet him. Apparently, he has to pick up Tanya here. Great. They are having a good great life of romance while I don't, I don't want it anyways, not only for Nodame.

"Chiaki-kun!"

I saw him approached me. I didn't say a word until he pulled a chair across from me and sat.

We stayed silent for some time and I let him order something. He looked at me like my face was already sketching my problem. Yeah, you don't know what kind of problem I am into now.

"Chiaki-kun, why do you want to talk?"

I stared at him for a few moments. I need some moments before I say this.

"I slept with Nodame."

I wait for his surprised reaction but I got none. I stared at his calm face and shuddered. Why do I have this feeling that I am the only one making a big deal out of what had happened?

It is a big deal for me!

Finally, he spoke.

"I don't see any problems about that Chiaki-kun… Unless that happening wasn't in your liking…"

I sighed. Damn. Am I that predictable? Was it etched in my face that evident?

Collecting my breath again, I turned to him.

"It is Kuroki. What happened was never to my liking." I simply said.

"Then why did you do it in the first place?" His expression told me that he was utterly disappointed. Who would not? I am disappointed with myself too, for being so not-sober and doing _that._

"It was an accident. Not really intentional." Was all I can say.

I heard him release a very deep shuddering breath and I can't take it! I am already disappointed with myself! Nodame was already disappointed with me and now Kuroki? I know he will be but I can't hear it. Damn it! I don't want to hear it!

"Chiaki-ku—"

"Kuroki," I cut him off, I have to, and I don't want to hear any words in regarding his dissatisfaction in my actions. "You know what kind of relationship I have with Nodame right? It's called unknown and unnamed. I don't discern where we are but whatever it is, I don't mind as long as it didn't interrupt my career. But what had happened will give Nodame mixed signal Kuroki," I look intently at him, "I don't want that to happen because it might hurt her, I am not capable of doing things she wanted to happen between us because I know and you know that I am not sure if I love her, if I ever have romantic feelings for her."

The thin line that formed his lips was enough to tell me that he think of me as the most idiotic and cruel man in the world.

Once again, I look at my empty cup while letting out a sigh.

"I just don't want to hurt her. I am capable of what I can give and I'm saying this to you now, I can give nothing…" I said without looking at him.

"I see…" he said. It actually reminded me of how I said that same words to Nodame earlier in the house. I wonder if she felt the same way I am feeling for that phrase, disappointed and not enough.

"You should say it to her Chiaki-kun…So there will be no problems in the future…" he said simply but his voice didn't betray his real emotion. He was furious at me but at the same time wanting to understand me.

"I know, but I will just hurt her…"

My gaze was already resting on his face and I can see the disgust he feels for my idiotic resolve. If Kuroki wasn't gentle and honest, he must've already punched me squarely in the face.

"You _will _hurt her. No matter what we do, you will hurt her if you feel that way. Just tell her immediately, at least she won't have anytime to make a fool out of herself like thinking that she just gave herself to the man that loves her."

His words were sharp like knives. I never imagined Kuroki is capable of being sarcastic in a very bad sense. I can't blame him though.

"Yes," I said, "Maybe I should explain everything to her soon, no matter how cruel it will sound…"

He stood up, get some money from his wallet and leave it on the table.

"I have to go Chiaki-kun." He said.

"Yes, thank you for coming." I told him. It's true that I am thankful but somehow, I wish I didn't call him to come over. This conversation didn't go well.

Deciding that I should leave this place as well, I search for my wallet in my coat then he take a look at me and say something.

"Chiaki-kun… You are just holding yourself back. You don't need to make it look to other people that you don't have feelings for her but what you need to do is to convince your mind that you already love her. Career is good and I understand your love for music, I am a musician too. But what is music if you don't have some one to share it with?"

I almost laugh at myself because some of his words actually hit my insides. Now I don't know if he's mad at me because I slept with her or because I still don't admit that I love her, if that's what I really feel, despite of what had happened between us, maybe the latter or both.

I chuckled and he smiled. That's a piece of his mind.

"Maybe Kuroki, but for now, I can't be sure. So I have to do this." I smiled sadly. Just thinking that I can make her cry again was such a pain and disappointment in my part.

"Yes. I hope you're doing the right thing…" he said and like me, his smile was an apologetic one.

Kuroki waved at me and said goodbye. I nodded and before I knew it, he was out of my sight.

I sat for a while and look at the clear blue sky. Why can't my mind be as clear as the sky? Sighing yet again, I pulled some money in my wallet and left it in the table. Standing up, I am now determined. I should talk to her, apologize and maybe, watch her cry.

* * *

Good? No? Awww... Please let me know! I will really, really appreciate it if you guys will review my work. To all the reviewers, anonymous or not, THANK YOU SO MUCH! It give me a boost of confident. I really appreciate it. About Chiaki paying, yes, he will darn pay! Hehehe... You just have to wait... I will let Chiaki have his time but I swear, he will pay... ;)


	4. Chapter 4: Pierce

**Author's Note:** Again, sorry for the late of update! Kind of busy here in work but I can still manage! Hehehe... So obviously, it was Nodame's point of view and I believe it was the longest chapter, 500+ words more than the usual. I was actually planning to cut this chapter in two but I can't think of a Chiaki's point of view in between and besides, I am excited to write this chapter. It was a little rush and grammar was still a problem but I hope I did portrayed Nodame's characterization and feeling. :)

**Warning: **Again, grammars and I'm looking for a beta-reader!

**Disclaimer:** You know the drill... ;)

**PIERCE**

I ate his prepared breakfast in silence, after all, who am I to talk to? He left me nineteen minutes ago, alone here in his apartment without any words for last night's deed.

It's terrible to feel pain and betrayal just after a night full of passion and intimacy. Was it really like that or just my own perspective ,because the truth is Sempai didn't feel anything closer to what I feel last night, he was only inebriated and not very much sober?

I can feel my eyes prickling, maybe a tear was about to fall. But if I let that happen, I will ruin Sempai's prepared breakfast. I am still half way from eating it all and I don't want to spoil it with my tears and make it taste horrible.

Choking back the sob that was about to escape, I concentrate myself to finish this food. No matter how much I am disappointed today, life is still about to go on, no matter how bitter the events can get. But I'm giving myself some benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was just startled and surprised. Maybe if his mind will be cleared after some time, I can say that he didn't mean to react that way. Maybe, I hope.

The only thing I can do is hope.

I finished eating and do what he told me to do, I pick up the dishes and let it stay on the sink. After a while, I headed to the bathroom and clean myself.

The bath was relaxing and refreshing but the aches were still there. I can stand the physical pain from last night because that was the pain I don't regret having, the emotional pain were the ones I cannot bear.

Crying won't help with my situation now. If I cry, will it prevent Chiaki-sempai from running away earlier? Will it change the possibility that he might regret what had happened? No. I'm not a child anymore, not a child like everybody used to treat me. I will not cry for as long as I can hold it.

Yes, I wasted giving myself to someone I don't even know if have some loving emotion for me, but that someone is Chiaki Shinichi, the very person I care and truly love.

And that's why, I don't mind. But still, seeing him ignore what happened like that still broke my heart.

I step out of the bathroom and towel myself. Looking at the misted mirror, I can see all the marks that had left in my body because of last night's deed. I can call this love marks if only it was made out of love and not of lack of sobriety. At least for me, I do it for love.

I went to his room and found some of my clothes. I put on a moss green sweater and brown plaited skirt then let my dirty clothes in his wash bin. After slipping on my boots, I dialed Lucca's number.

"Nodame! You're late!" that's the first words he said just after he pick up the phone.

"Nodame knows, Lucca…" I said.

I promised Lucca that I will meet him early in the morning to tell him what had happened at my recital since he can't come that night.

"Nodame… Are you upset?" he asked with a tone of worry.

I think I let my guard down because he heard the strain in my voice.

"No... Nodame is fine, Lucca…" I said while trying to smile.

"Hmmm… Okay then! So… Are we going to meet up?" He said and this time, I truly smile.

"Of course! Are you in the Conservatoire? Nodame's going to meet you there…" I suggested. I can hear the rustle in the background like he was in some sort of busy place and not in the University.

"Uh… No. I'm in some café near Conservatoire. My grandfather owns the place and I kind of helping here today… So if you don't mind, can we just meet here? I can give you some double chocolate cake…." He said almost faltering.

I chuckled. At least he can cheer me up with his quirkiness and double chocolate cake.

"Yes! Nodame will very much come to meet you there!" I said without much working hard to be happy.

"Alright! Let's meet here! It's the blue and black café named Simplicité. Just two blocks from the University. Got it?"

"Oui." I answered. "Nodame will be going now. See you!" And then, after I heard him say "okay", I hung up.

I have to go now and maybe for a while, let my thoughts drift to other things other than what happened to me and to him.

* * *

Walking was a hard work today. My legs were literally shaking and my body really ached. I am sore all over and I can't help to get bitter. As I know, the person that made you this ache should be the person soothing you. I thought my first time will be like that but it turned out to be far for what I am expecting.

"Nodame!" a voice called me and when I look up, I saw Lucca.

"God Nodame, you're awfully slow today!" he commented as he dragged me towards the café.

We make our way to the back door and the kitchen welcomed me. The aroma of different types of coffee and pastries invaded my nostrils and literally drool.

I heard Lucca chuckled beside me and wake me up from my trance then felt a little embarrassed.

"Hahaha! Just turn on that corner and take a seat. I'll be right back with green tea frappe and double chocolate cake okay?" he said.

I grinned at the generosity. He pushed me gently so I can go to the hallway and leave him. I obliged.

I can almost hear the chattering of the customers in the café at the end of the wall and I was about to turn left when I saw a familiar face.

_Kuroki__-kun?_

And the person across from him, it was… he was….

Never in a million years I won't recognize that back and stance.

"Chiaki-sempai…" I hear myself whisper.

"... Unless that happening wasn't in your liking…" Kuroki-kun said. I can hear them and he seemed upset, I never saw him like that.

"It is Kuroki. What happened was never to my liking." Chiaki-sempai said. What are they talking about? I know eavesdropping is impolite but I can't help to wonder what they are talking about.

"Then why did you do it in the first place?" Kuroki-kun replied. Why are they talking? What are they talking about?

"It was an accident. Not really intentional." Chiaki-sempai said. Kuroki-kun's expression was nowhere pleased. He seemed really furious. Wait, they sounded like they are talking about…

"Chiaki-ku—"

"Kuroki, You know what kind of relationship I have with Nodame right?"

They are talking about _me?_ About what had happened? Wait, what? _Not to his liking? An accident? Not intentional?_

I suddenly slammed my back onto the wall backing up. I feel my body getting numb and feeling cold. I can't stop my eyes from widening. My chest is pounding loudly in my ribs. I can't absorb it all in.

"I don't mind as long as it didn't interrupt my career. But what had happened will give Nodame mixed signal, Kuroki. I don't want that to happen because it might hurt her, I am not capable of doing things she wanted to happen between us because I know and you know that I am not sure if I love her, if I ever have romantic feelings for her."

That's his voice. It came from Chiaki-sempai. His words involved my name and the phrase saying, _I am not sure if I love her, if I ever have romantic feelings for her. _

It repeated in my mind over and over and over again until it found my way to my heart to kill it. It felt like a spear pierce me in the chest totally damaging my heart. It ripped in my tissues and every blood vessel.

It felt like dying.

It hurts.

He regretted it with all his heart. He regretted what happened. He regretted it doing with me. He didn't want me, or any of me. I'm just a nuisance, to his career, to his everything!

I feel my knees give up and I slump on the marbled floor. I can't hear anything except for the thumping of my heart. I covered my ears with my hands. Stop it. I want it to stop. The pounding was so loud. I can't stop it!

"Oi Nodame, I said get some seat inside, not here!" somehow, a voice manages to get through the poundings I can hear.

I look up only to see Lucca. His eyes suddenly widened when he landed his gaze to my face.

"Nodame… What's wrong?"

He said as he knelt beside me and put the frappe and a slice of cake that I don't immediately caught a sight of, down on the floor.

I continued to gape at him until his face etched a very worried expression.

"Nodame…" I barely heard him say, and like an instinct, he crawled across me and takes a look on the corner.

"Chiaki-kun…" I heard him say.

"Maybe I should explain everything to her soon, no matter how cruel it will sound…"

Again, we heard Chiaki-sempai's words and just like that, I feel hot tears cascading my cheek. I am crying and despite of what I said earlier, I still cried.

The rest of their conversation was not been heard as the people in the kitchen began to work loudly.

I avoided Lucca's gaze and I can here the crackling of his fists.

"What is cruel Nodame?" he asks but I didn't answer. I can't answer, I'm too busy silencing my sobs.

He is now gritting his teeth and I panicked when he opened his mouth. I know he was about to shout and call Sempai.

"Lucca…" I said softly but immediately to stop him. He looked at me with the eyes of a child. I know, he was hurting that I'm hurt. I can feel it.

I shook my head.

"No…" I whisper.

He was sympathetic. I can feel his remorse and he was sad. Nonetheless, he obeyed me.

I gave him a small smile and I know I look stupid, smiling despite the tears falling from my eyes.

"Please keep this between the two of us…" I said.

"But—"

I didn't let him finish. "No. Someday, Nodame will explain this to you, but for now, please… Just let things be…"

He nodded and stood up giving me a hand. I accept it and help myself standing up. I gave him a small smile then wipe the tears from my face.

"Nodame have to go, Lucca. Sorry because Nodame didn't have the chance to eat your cake but Nodame have to go." I said.

He lowered his head and hides his eyes behind his golden locks then nodded.

"Thank you…" I murmured and without looking back, went my way.

The wind rustled around me and I can't pay attention to anyone or anybody. I'm hurt.

I just have my heart broken and I don't know if I can fix it.

I felt those hot tears again.

It hurts. So much.

* * *

Again, it was a little rush... So if ever there will be mistakes that will be pointed out, please tell me by leaving a review... I appreciate it! Special thanks for the reviewers! I hope you can have an account so I can thank you enough by leaving a message... :)


	5. Chapter 5: Inadequate

**Author's Note: **Hi guys! I missed you! Sorry for the late update because, remember what I said that I wrote stories when I'm in office? Yes? Well... Good! Because I just wanted to tell you that aside from Saturday and Sunday, we have Monday and Tuesday for holiday! Yey! It's refreshing. Four days of vacation so no office, no story. But I am back and this chapter is kind of long again... I hope I am not dragging you... I know it's a little slow pace and I'm still minding about the characterizations. I'm doing my best though! Then... Hmm... Two more chapters and we are heading to the main story!

Hehehe... You'll see! Please guys... Stay with me! :D

**Warning:** Grammars and spelling are still an issue... So... Any beta-readers?

**Disclaimer: **You know the drill... :D

**INADEQUATE**

The sun was scorching high in the sky but the cool air rustled around us. It was already noon and all restaurants are packed with people trying to grab something to eat for lunch.

It had been hours after Kuroki left me. That conversation didn't go well. He was furious at me, mad and disappointed.

No one can understand, or maybe I'm the one who can't understand them. I am a selfish bastard, but I have to be. I am ambitious and I want to reach that ambition, that's why I _can't _understand them.

For now, nothing matters to me but the orchestra and my music.

My shoes tapped in the marbled street floor of Montmartre as I walk. Walking in this narrow street will help me clear my mind, if not, at least take my thoughts somewhere else.

Everything is everywhere and it was a perfect place for something that will catch your attention. The paintings are beautifully made. One art in the bunch caught my attention, a painting of a girl in a white dress playing a piano.

I looked at it and didn't actually mind when the owner of the stand muse about the length of my perusal.

The woman in the painting had long auburn hair. The same color she has. If she didn't cut her hair every other month, her hair must've been that long too.

"Monsieur?" said the old man, the owner. I almost jump as he woke me up from my reverie.

"Did you like the painting?" he asked.

"Yes… It is really beautiful…" I replied.

"Yes, indeed." He said with a smile. "My son painted it, the woman illustrated there is his girlfriend."

"A pianist." I confirmed.

"Yes. Very talented." He said while nodding. I smiled.

"She actually reminded me of someone." I murmured.

In fact, I was surprised. My mind hasn't lost it sense right? I am here to put my thoughts into something else's, not go through directly to her!

I sighed.

"Maybe a special woman?" he asked with sincerity in his eyes.

_I don't know…_, "Maybe…" I said with a small smile and he gave me an apologetic one as if he knows what kind of pressure I am into now.

After a while, I thank him for letting me look at his painting then said my goodbye.

I continue to walk and my mind recognizes the little shame for remembering her. I should really be taking my thoughts into somewhere else.

But it seems like the world is taking the pleasure of making me ashamed because before I reach my car that is parked in the corner of the street, a track filled with flowers for delivery, passes by. It is okay if it's just ordinary flowers but majority of it are lavenders and it take the contentment of letting me take a whiff of their scents.

Lavenders, her scent. She truly smelled like lavenders blend with vanilla frost especially that night. I can remember her scent like it already invaded my mind.

I covered my face with my hand. Damn! My intentions are failing! This day is a failure! I am a failure!

God…

Why is this happening?

I opened my car and push myself inside. My thoughts drift to her once more. There's no point of preventing it, until Roux-Marlet got a new project, I will think of her over and over again.

I can't avoid it.

Then the feeling stumbled to last night's. We just had… had… made love…I can't say that it was simply sex because I can see the passion in her eyes.

I can feel myself frowning.

Why the hell did I remember things clearly?

The other visions are a little bit blurry like the time where we are in the bar, but that scene is not. It was clear as hell. Yes, I am drunk because if I'm in the right mind, I wouldn't really do that, except that time, what forced me?

But then, I found myself answering my question. Yes, I do that because I wanted to. Because that time it was too clear for me that I want all of her because… because… I … I…_ love her?_

"Hell no!" I said out loud.

_No?_

A voice asked me.

"Yes! That's a no…"

_Are you sure? You should remember how __you feel and what you feel that night…_

Absurd. I'm a hypocrite because I damn well remember.

"I don't know…" I hear myself say.

Then the sound of Beethoven startled me. It's my phone, ringing. My screen flashed the name… Nodame.

My chest pounded so hard. I don't know if I'm ready to talk to her, or to confront her, but a big part of me tells that I have to, to be not too cruel. I have to talk to her anyways, to tell her that what happened have to mean nothing.

I release a frustrated sigh before answering it.

"Sempai…" Nodame said in a sad, low voice. She's upset. I can tell.

Another shuddering breath was released before I called her name.

"Nodame…"

"Sempai… Nodame… Nodame have to tell you something… Can Nodame talk to you?" She asked.

I pursed my lips into a thin line. It must've something to do with yesterday. Hell it was! It can't be avoided after all. We should start talking if I want this to end.

"About what?" I asked in a low voice pretending I don't even have the slightest idea to what we are going to talk to.

There was silence in the other line.

"I think you know what it is about Sempai…" she said after several seconds.

She's serious, I know because she already dropped the third person referral.

Again, there was silence. I want to break it but didn't know what to say.

"I'll meet you at the coffee shop near your apartment. You know where it is right?" she told me finally breaking the awkward silence for me.

"Yes…" I mumbled while internally convincing myself that this is the right thing to do.

"Let's meet there at seven o'clock… Is it okay Sempai? The meeting is over by that time right?"

I feel the pang hit my guts and insides, guilty of lying to her.

"Y-yes…" I said stumbling with that simple word.

"Okay… I'll meet you then…" she said.

"Okay…" I replied.

The silence was pregnant again and I can tell she was thinking about the talk we are going to make later.

"Bye…" I heard her say.

And to my surprise, she didn't even let me said goodbye too. She just hangs the phone up and left me listening to the sound of the dead line.

I looked at my phone and felt really terrible. After five hours and forty-seven minutes, I have to break her heart and I don't know what she was thinking. I hope she's not expecting because whatever she will tell me, my resolve was still the same.

Even after I realized that I do what I did because there's a possibility that I... do love her.

But that possibility is not enough. I can't risk everything for that possibility.

I start to ignite my engine and drove to the road. I have plenty of time to think of how to break it to her, gently.

I know I will hate myself for doing what I need to do but I know, she'll hate me more than I will hate myself.

* * *

Good? Bad? What? Please tell me... I wanted to know if I need some improvements... Anyways, I hope I captures Chiaki's struggle here... I know he was mean in this chapter but he is not that mean... Hehehe.. Apparently, he wanted his career to became stable before minding other things.. Sadly, one of those is his interest in romance.. Gah! Am I lame?

Anyways... I am looking forward for your reviews... :)

My thanks goes to: lovejoypeace, Mikaelv, Anya, mac, ciel, Julie, lunaticrosa13, recchinon (my dear friend! :D), Kookie315 and nitrolead! (from chapter 1 to chapter 4 reviewers! both anonymous and registered!) XD


	6. Chapter 6: Beyond Pain

**Author's Note: **Before you fire that gun to me, Please let me apologize! I've been so busy with the Christmas Vacation (I'm a Catholic so I celebrate Christmas..:)) and work. Yes, work! I know I haven't updated for two months but I still hope that you guys will still review this. :) I promise that I will update this as soon as possible. So please read and review!

**Warning:** I have a beta-reader, Pathetic Rainbow was her name but she haven't given me the .docx format of my chapters so I guess you guys have to deal with my grammars and spellings again... I am still looking for beta-readers though... I don't want to burden Pathetic Rainbow too much... :(

**Disclaimer: **Do I have to say it again? You know the drill... :D

**Beyond Pain**

I saw him looking at me from the inside through the glass window of the coffee shop. His face was expressionless but his eyes said the opposite, he was truly nervous.

His gaze never left my face until I came up to him.

I can clearly see his mouth went agape but nothing came out, as if he was thinking hard of what he was going to say. We both know how hard it is for him, so despite the unbearable weight my chest heaved, I broke the silence.

"Glad you came! Chiaki-sempai!"

I really did try my best to give the fakest smile but I know that he knew it. Those obsidian eyes see everything. The sad part is, he chose to be silent.

My eyes automatically averted from his gaze and I take my time to sit into the chair across from him.

The moment my body took a comfortable position, I quickly turned my stare to the outside window and still plastered that fake smile.

I insist on taking my attention on the things that occurred outside but I damn well know that this is futile. No matter how much I try to calm myself and ingrain to my mind that this will be nothing, it will still hurt.

He was looking at me, I feel it. Those eyes burned my soul. It didn't take long for him to give a reaction: a shuddering sigh.

I closed my eyes. I am hopeless. Pathetic.

"Nodame thinks that you already know what this talk is for…" I heard myself say.

My eyes didn't want to leave the view from the outside. It was better that way. I didn't want to see any of his expressions because I am afraid it will cause me more pain.

"Yes…" his soft voice speaks.

My eyes automatically closed and I can feel it stinging. Something in my heart dropped and broke. That voice, the same voice that groaned last night, the same voice that whispered everything will be alright, the same voice that I heard saying: _I am not sure if I love her, if I ever have romantic feelings for her. _

That thought invaded my mind again. Now I know why my eyes stings, I wanted to cry.

"Nodame…"

The tense in his voice was obvious. I'll give a credit for that. At least he cared, just not much.

There was silence again but I am getting a little tired of anticipating the hurt. No matter how much I anticipate it, it will still blow me. It will not hurt lesser but it will hurt more.

I opened my eyes and finally looked at him, it breaks my heart. His expression said it all: regret but remorseful that he can't do the right thing.

What is the right thing anyway? At least for me, the right thing was to take responsibility to what had happened to us.

My chest released another aching air that was trapped in my lungs, but the pain was still there.

"I'm so—"

"It's nothing Sempai… Nodame knows what it's all about… And it is nothing…"

I interrupted. He needed not to explain everything or anything to me. I already heard the truth at the café. I'll just know if what he was going to say will be a lie or not and I have enough of that.

He was taken aback with my words. Sure, he didn't expect me to respond something like that. It was not like me at all.

"Like what you have said Sempai, it was… crazy…" that word was hard to swallow because what it really meant to me was nowhere closer to that description.

I am busy enduring the pain but I didn't fail to notice that his expression turned guilty. That's another credit but what hurts is he didn't object or say a word.

I suck a lot of air. I need that to keep myself breathing.

"I…" I looked up and saw the ceiling. I keep my gaze there because my eyes are really stinging and I also found dropping the third person referral to myself. This, this happening was never really humorous. Not in a million years.

"I… I just wanted to say that you don't need to bother explaining anything about that event…" I said and continued.

"I… I didn't want to cause you trouble Sempai… I saw your reaction this early morning… You know, when you left me alone at your house…" those words disgust me because this isn't what I wanted to happen. What I want is for him to acknowledge what had ensued between the two of us.

But that will never happen because the ugly truth was revealed to me.

My eyes search for his but I saw it looking outside. The culpability was harshly etched on his face. So? That's for what? Knowing that he is guilty won't help anything in my part.

My eyes are really, really hurting. Automatically, I closed it and tilt my head downwards. I need to be strong; he did not need to see this weakness although he is the one that caused me this.

And yet, I still love him.

Although it hurts.

"Sempai… Let's forget it… Nothing good will happen if we keep on making it an issue…" I said.

He looked at me.

This is tiring.

"Are you sure?" His soft voice said.

Anger bubbled in the pit of my stomach and I want to stand up to throw things at him! Can I shake some sense in this man? For Pete's sake! I am not sure of this thing I am doing! This is not what I wanted to happen but because of his rejection, I am forced to!

He is stupid, but I am more stupid, because even though I know I have to take out the responsibility of him about last night, I still hope that maybe… just maybe… he will object… and not agree.

It's too much to ask, but this is really unfair to me.

Maybe I should just thank that because of his lack of sobriety, I feel a one night of love from him.

I tried to breath and calm myself down before answering him.

"Yes…" those words slipped in my tongue and it was bitter and disgusting.

My heart wanted to know his reaction but my mind didn't want to. But I was the epitome of stupidities, so I looked at him and never knew that my heart would get crushed.

Chiaki-sempai has his eyes closed and then, he releases a sigh. Like when you are relieved.

Relief. He is now relieved.

And I am enduring the pain.

I feel a deep hole was carved inside my heart. I closed my eyes but it's too late. A lone tear cascaded down my cheeks.

I have to go… Now.

My body stands up by instinct, bumping the coffee table and making a clunking sound from the plates and cups over it.

This startled Chiaki-sempai from his trance, and he look at me with surprised expression and agape mouth. I avoided his eyes and tilt my head downward enough for my hair to hide my eyes away from his view.

"I… I have to go now Sempai… I… I still have to… practice… piano…" I lied. I don't know why I still have to lie, after all he knows it very well when I am not telling the truth.

It was useless. Looking down was useless. The position made my tears escape from my eyes and I can't get them back.

I heard him gasp but it was still like the other times that I cried in front of him, he did nothing.

"Nodame…"

He said my name again. Is all that he can do? Call my name and put remorse on his tone? I am so tired of this.

I continued to bow my head and didn't look at him. My eyes betrayed me. It let my tears escape until it wets my whole face.

My feet were so eager to run, all I need is to get out from this crowded place, but a hand stopped me and gripped my arm. I didn't look. I don't want to look.

"Please let go of me Sempai…" the words slipped out of my tongue and I tried my best to stifle my sobs.

Why do I always try my best for him? And for the most useless reasons?

He didn't move or respond and I keep my gaze downward not looking at him, not bothering to move in front of him.

"If this is okay, why are you upset?" he suddenly asked.

I crank my neck, now looking at him with wide eyes. I wanted to be glad because he was _at least _concerned, but I was hurt, devastated and mad. Was it the right question to ask? Where you that innocent when it comes to my feelings? Don't you know anything about me Sempai?

My hands are itching to slap his face because this day was his time to give me endless pain and hurt. I don't have the slightest idea to when he will decide to think that what he was doing and what he was saying was hurting me.

I wanted to slap him, but I can't. It will just hurt me more. I don't want to hurt him in any forms because despite this quandary we are, I know, I very well know that I love him, that I will do anything for him, including getting him out of the dilemma and hurt myself.

The tears are salty; I can taste it because as for the moment, my face was literally covered with tears.

I opened my mouth and let my heart talk.

"I'm upset because it hurts. It hurts so much. But I'm in love with you Sempai that is why I am going to do anything that you want; anything that I think will get you out of my mess. Anything for you Sempai…"

I sobbed.

"… Even if it hurts so much…"

He was taken aback for a moment and I take it as the opportunity to escape. I pull my arm back and let myself disappear in the crowd. I heard him call my name for about three times before it officially died down.

I walk at the marbled street again not knowing where I would go. This is the second time this day that I don't know where I would be going.

The cold wind bustle around and it pierce in my skin like needles. I hold myself. For the moment, I want to die. I want to freeze to death, freeze until all my emotions become numb, but it was impossible.

I looked at the dark sky, it held the no stars. It's just like my life, no light. My feet continued to walk as I wipe the tears in my eyes. Yesterday was the happiest day of my life, this day was the worst. Too bad, good things must really come to an end and that's what exactly happened to me.

It's bad to be happy, like when you assume that you are love by the person you love the most, because when you learn how to fly high, fate will take your wings off and let you fall into the cold ground, together with the entire bruise, cuts, scraps and pain.

That night I wanted to die. That night, I wanted to cry my heart out. That night, I never went to Sempai's house anymore.

* * *

How was it? Please let me know! I promised that these will be getting exciting in the upcoming chapters... Please bear with my! Hit the review button and you guys will make me happy!

For the reviewers of Chapter 5: Inadequate: ciel, freedomflower, mac, Michi, erikyonchi, hitoki-chan, CommanderApple, addymummy and simplyfierceandfearlessMiharu... THANK YOU SO MUCH! :D


	7. Chapter 7: Resolve

**Author's Note:** YEY! I promise I will update faster right? So here it is! Hahaha! Well it was because it was only 830 words long... I have to make it short for some reasons... Anyways, things will get a little more complicated in the upcoming chapters... Hahaha! So please stay with me okay? "D

**Warning:** Grammatical and spelling errors... Beta reader... Anyone? Please?

**Disclaimer:** Ugh... You know the drill... :)

**Resolve**

I gazed at the dark night of Prague, aware that I am looking utterly depressed, while holding my cell phone in my hand. I can't help it, her face, her tears, her words haunted me like a ghost from my past. But past can be easily forgotten, it can be erased from my memory, but this, she is the present.

It's been three weeks since I last saw the woman. It was that night, the meeting in the café where I last saw her. Ever since, her everything never left my memory.

..._Even if it hurts so much…_

Pang.

It hit my insides again when I recall her words.

I tried calling her before going to Prague. Of course, the reason is work. I need to judge some piano competition here. Heck I didn't even know what the name of the competition is! I was so busy with my haunting thoughts that I am not even aware if I'd made the right judging for the competitors. I can't believe it, me, the workaholic bastard will be so messed up like this? But for the moment, even if it jeopardizes my way of judging or anything that will be concerned, I don't care. I just do not care.

I called, God knows how many times I had called her, but no strange mongoose woman answered the damn phone. I tried her landline and her cell phone but the damn thing just keep on ringing. Until now, I tried reaching her.

My mind was never at peace, those three weeks was never at peace. I keep on seeing her tear-stained face and her broken voice. What does that mongoose woman want from me? Does she want me to have schizophrenia?

I might be going crazy, that I am. I should have not expressed that damn relief when she wanted to end things about what had _happened_ to us. I am just relief. Yes, relief. I am still sticking with my resolve that career will be my priority and I can't do that without hurting her.

And I don't want to hurt her anymore.

I don't want to abuse her anymore.

But if she insists on staying my side, I always hurt and abuse her.

Did she know how much it haunted me when she say "I love you Sempai" and I pretend to not hear a word she had said? I don't want to hurt her anymore because it poisoned me when she cries and silently beg for my affection.

I like Nodame, but I know it was not enough. I don't love her, at least that what I define my feeling for now.

I am ambitious and I will repeat it for the world to know. I wanted to love her too, but I can't do it with my current ambitions. At least if I will fall in love with her, I want it to be at my own will, not because I am forced to, not because of guilt, not because of obligation and most of all, not because of pity. I wanted to be in love with her that I will be willing to give up everything and do my most to make her happy.

I wanted to say sorry because now, it is clear that I don't love her for I wouldn't be relief when the burden was now off in my shoulder. See? I even refer that _event_ to be a burden.

I don't know what got into my mind to commit that. Three weeks ago, I was still torn apart with the idea of being to be in love with her as the result of the event, but I didn't found the real reason why I had done it to her because before I know it, she had her resolve.

And I have my resolve too. I have to break it. I have to break it for her. I had enjoyed her company, I loved her company, I even like her but again, not sure of to what level that likeness was placed. I will miss her, that's for sure, but then, this will be better. She will be freed, she will not be taken for granted anymore, she will not be neglected anymore, she will not be abused and most of all, she will not be hurt anymore.

When I come back to Paris, I will talk to her, to end things properly, I wanted to apologize and wish her the best of luck in her career. I know she will be mad at me, furious to be exact and I will be more than willing to receive her punch if she will give me one.

I had decided, it will end. Whatever she calls to our relationship, it will be over. It is, after all for her.

Tomorrow, I will have my flight back to Paris. Tomorrow, I will search for her. Tomorrow, I will talk to her. Tomorrow, I'll break up with her.

* * *

Thanks for the reviewers! Please boost me up... I am kind of down because I don't know if this fic will be good enough... T^T Anyways, I hope my anonymous reviewers will have an account here in FFN... I hope you guys will... Anyways, THANK YOU SO MUCH! :)


	8. Chapter 8: Fractured

**Author's Note: **Hi sweets! Yup, I know, it had been seven months since I last updated this. Honestly speaking, I've been busy with other things and got side tracked. Work, other fandoms and personal things happened to be in the way of continuing this humble fic. But one day, when I was searching for some document, I stumbled upon the draft of this fic. I re-read it and after some time debating with myself, I had decided to continue this.

Still, if I'll be honest, I will tell that I am having problem in re-structuring the whole story again mainly because I forgot the plot. But I am still trying my best to remember the original plot. So pray for me! :)

Well... ehem... Enjoy!

**Warning: **Grammatical errors. OOC-ness and inconsistency. I hope I am not getting rusty. It was still not beta-read so if you know someone who can help me, kindly send me a message... :)

**Disclaimer: **Uh... You know it.. ;)

**Fractured**

I opened my door and I was startled to see Chiaki-sempai standing at my doorway.

My voice was caught in my throat upon seeing him. He was still handsome with his brown coat, black suit and grey dress shirt despite looking obviously exhausted.

"Nodame…" he said.

That woke me up from my trance.

I almost forgot. This is the man I am not ready to see. This is the man that took my everything and wanted to run away after reality struck him like some lightning. This is the man that hurts me with so much impact, it engraved in my core.

I remembered everything upon seeing him.

And I wanted to throw up.

Suddenly, my feet become interesting so I kept my gaze on them.

"We need to talk…"

His words were almost whisper but I heard him.

I didn't answer. I know that it will lead to this.

I know it is rude to let people stay outside your door when it was obvious that he or she wanted to come in, but was my reason for not letting him in was enough for an excuse?

I don't want to see him. No matter how much my heart yearns for him, I. Don't. Want. To. See. Him.

"What for? Haven't we settled this already?" I whispered back but I intentionally leave a trace in my voice that I am very displeased about the whole situation.

"We haven't settled anything yet." he insisted and it was clear that he didn't pay attention at the distress in my voice.

I felt tired suddenly and begin to wonder when this pathetic game of ours will stop.

"I don't want to talk about it, Sempai…" I insist.

I started to move to close the door so this stupid charade will over. The want to stop this recently started conversation was increasingly nudging me.

Then out of nowhere, his large hand pounded on my door, preventing it to be closed.

My neck craned up to see his face and I know mine read surprise and then my throat whimpered when I saw his expression.

His eyes were burning with rage and fatigue and… regret?

"Damn it Nodame! I need to talk to you!" he roared and again, he slammed his hand on my door, this time forming into a fist.

I felt my cheeks heating and my own anger about the whole situation started to bubble up in the pit of my stomach.

"What is it you want? Haven't you done enough already? I had said it was okay! That we should forget it!" I shouted back at him and for a moment, his eyes widened.

My breathing came in short puffs and I felt my heart palpitating wildly beneath my chest. The feeling of fear crept into me but I don't know why I found the situation frightening.

All I want is for him to leave me alone. To let me heal. To let me move on with what had happened.

"If you are okay, then why aren't you answering my calls? Why are you acting like this and why don't you want to confront me?" he said and I sensed the frustration lacing in his voice.

For some unknown reason, I felt my knees gave up and my back slumped in to the wall. Instinctively, my hand flew on my face.

"Because it still hurts, Sempai…" was all that I tell him.

Silence spread through out the apartment and the only thing that I can hear is my heart's beat and Sempai's breathing. The tension in the room was starting to choke me and I badly wanted it to end.

I got myself to straighten up and stubbornly clung on my resolve of ending this meeting quickly, so I started to walk towards the door again and pursue it to be closed leaving Sempai outside.

But he started talking…

"You know…" I heard him sigh. "You are the most interesting person I had met so far."

I looked at him for I am surprised with his sudden descriptive words about me.

"You're annoying…"

"Persistent…"

"Unorganized to the point that it actually grossed me out…"

Sempai chuckled but somehow, it didn't sound happy as it should be. His eyes were covered with dark hair.

Something dropped inside my chest.

"But you are unique…"

"You are great at piano… You do have a talent…"

"You attract people without any effort…"

"S-Sempai…?" I found myself calling him.

"You are special, Nodame…" he looked at me in the eyes, "You really are special to me…"

My heart was pounding so hard inside my chest to the point that it hurts. I know I should be glad but I don't know what force is enveloping around to prevent me to feel the glee that supposed to be the initial reaction upon hearing something like that.

"And that is why I don't want you to feel pain anymore…" he said and if possible, my chest felt more pain.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore, Nodame…"

My heart is cracking. This can't be happening.

"Whatever relationship we have, let's end it…"

His last words echoed inside my head over and over again but my mind was refusing to understand what it truly meant.

"W-what?" I voiced out, aware that it sounded desperate and pathetic.

"Let's end this, Nodame." He repeated and I can see the guilt etching on his face.

My feet moved towards him and I grabbed his arm when I reached it. He flinched as if my touch burned him.

"N-no Sempai…"

I sounded pathetic. I know I am pathetic. I always believed that sooner or later, everything that happened will be forgotten and once again, all will be back to normal. No matter how much pain I will feel, I know it'll go away some time soon.

All I need is time.

A little time.

Not this…

I was about to hold him with my both hands, to shake some sense on him that what he wanted to happen will not make things easier for me but will hurt me immensely, but he took my both hands first, prying it away from him.

He kept his firm yet gentle hold on my wrist while he searched for my eyes.

I looked at him and let our eyes lock for a tender gaze and yet, no matter how I found his gaze affectionate, it still didn't hide the glint of scruple dancing on those obsidian eyes.

My throat escaped a sad whimper.

"No, Nodame." He said firmly and his hold is slowly tightening around my wrist.

"I know what you are going to say. That this will be over soon and we will be back to normal. I myself wanted to think it that way too. But I know it won't work. Maybe after a couple of years but not now…"

He continued.

"I don't want to hurt you anymore, Nodame. Let's end this. You'll be better without me."

He released his grip in my wrist then let his palm reside on either side of my face.

"I'm sorry…" he said in a very soft tone that it breaks me.

"I'm so sorry…"

"For being insensitive…"

"For being a selfish bastard…"

"For not being the man you deserve…"

"Sempai…" I sobbed. I'm crying. I can feel and taste the tears that pour from my eyes.

"And I'm sorry that you have to give yourself to someone like me."

He paused and inch his face closer to mine.

"I can feel your love. I felt your love from what had happened, but I'm afraid I can't return the same love to you. I can't do it, Nodame. What had happened might be not whole heartedly to my likings but I don't hate it."

He frowned at the sight of my tears and his eyes started to shimmer. I could tell he was having a hard time breaking it to me but he didn't know that this is killing me.

"I thought our dilemma was only about what had happened three weeks ago and my responsibility for that action, but this whole ordeal had gone completely unfathomable. I realized that I am being unfair, that I'm considering what had happened as burden, that I am not ready to be bonded with you in a matter like that…"

"…And that I don't love you that much…"

My heart froze. Everything froze.

I thought I can hope that maybe, he loves me too. He just didn't know how to show it to the world, but this confirmation crushed everything I had hoped for.

He doesn't love me that much. The kindest way to tell me that he didn't love me at all.

God… He didn't love me.

My tears were cascading down my cheeks and I don't know how to stop it.

He was hurting too. His eyes tell it but what can that give? Nothing that will give comfort to my pain.

I was sobbing so hard, trembling so hard that I clutched to his shirt. Both for support and for never wanting him to let go of what we have.

"I am so sorry…" he whispered those words one last time before he pressed his lips to mine.

All that I can see was his closed eyes and furrowed brows before it disappeared to the blurredness cause by my tears.

Sooner, his lips parted mine. His hands withdrew from my face and flew to my wrist. Once again, he held it to take my hands away from his shirt. I didn't protest. I just let him do what he wanted. I'm too limp to move.

Before I know it, I was all alone once again with blurred visions of his brown coat and dark hair.

I am alone in his former apartment.

He left me.

He didn't love me.

It hurts me.

I don't know where I got the strength but my feet pulled me to the bedroom where I slump my body. I pulled my legs closer to mine and silently cried all the sorrows and hurt until I fell sleep.

* * *

It was one fifty-five in the morning when I woke up. My eyes sting from crying and I felt my stomach protesting that it is empty, but I don't have the appetite to eat. In fact, I don't want to do anything. I just want to stay here.

But then again, I don't want to be here. Not here in a place where everything will be reminded me of Sempai with all the good things and bad things that happened.

I don't want to be here anymore.

In his apartment.

In Paris.

My hands searched for my cell phone and hold the number three. I pressed the phone in my right ear while trying to repress the sob that was about to bubble up from my throat.

After seven rings, she answered.

"Moshi moshi?" I heard her say.

"Mom…" a tear escaped from my eyes.

"I want to go home…"

* * *

Another reason on why I had decided to continue this is because of the reviewers. Although I kept it on Hiatus, a lot of them still hope for me to update this, that's why I did.

I hope I can have more support from you guys! :)

Please leave me your comments and suggestions.

Thank you guys! I'll update sooner! Promise! ;)


	9. Chapter 9: Leaving

**Author's Note: **Hello there good fellow! Before you throw some tomatoes at me for not updating this fast, please be informed that I had encountered some problems... It including personal, family and work matters. Sigh. But please don't be worried for I am sure that this problems will find its solution. Just pray for me... :) I know it is a lame excuse but it is true... ^^'

By the way, the next chapter will not take long as four months so hang in there peeps!

**Warning: **Grammatical errors. OOC-ness and inconsistency. I hope I am not getting rusty. It was still not beta-read so if you know someone who can help me, kindly send me a message... Please! Help me with the grammars! x(

**Important Reminder: This chapter is the second to the last chapter for this first part of the story... Yep, you read that right. This story will end and the part two of this fic will be a little different. Different writing structure and all... That's all that I can give because you need to stand by okay. I had also realized that upon doing this fic, I had already loss some important characterization of the original character so upon doing a second part, I think I can redeem myself in terms of doing the proper characterization. So yeah... Any comments or suggestions are welcomed.**

**Disclaimer: **Uh... You know it.. ;)

**Leaving**

It was past eight o'clock in the morning and the rehearsals haven't started yet. Kuroki was nowhere in sight and he didn't inform me about getting late today. I am stern with schedules and I don't want to rehears with partial members. As much as possible, I want them complete.

Twenty-five minutes past eight o'clock, that's what my wrist watch said. My patience was getting thin. I had tried to contact him but he was not answering my calls. The rehearsal should've been starting over an hour ago.

A sigh escaped my lips. I can see that the other members don't mind waiting too long. They keep their time occupied with chats and small talks about anything. That reminds me, maybe she already sent me a message?

I fished my phone out of pocket and looked at the phone screen. There were no new messages. I frowned. Didn't she always text me in the morning to greet me and wish me good-

Oh… Right. I almost forgot.

We already broke up.

I broke it up.

A heavy feeling enveloped inside my chest. I thought I had forgotten all about it last night when I drowned myself in work and wine.

How foolish am I. How can it be erased in just one night? Maybe I was hurrying myself up to eliminate any guilt that consumed my whole system.

A sarcastic smile formed in my lips.

"Chiaki-kun!"

A loud yell from the corridor shook me out of my stupor. Automatically, my head whipped to the form that yelled my name.

"Kuroki?"

My instincts wanted to say something other than his name, to ask him about his tardiness, but all those instincts flew by the four winds when he clutched my collar and shoved me close to his face.

"What did you do to Megumi-chan?" he yelled, eyes ablaze and teeth gritted with rage. I never saw him like this. He was calm and composed and he never snapped like this.

"What did you do to Nodame, Chiaki-kun?" he repeated.

It took a moment before I fully comprehend the thing he was talking about. Like an avalanche, it crashed down to me and a much more painful feeling enclosed inside my chest. The pierce of guilt stabbed me again and I looked down on the ground, ashamed that this happened, ashamed that he had to know.

Some people of the members of the orchestra came toward us to hold Kuroki and release me from his vice grip. They succeeded because I can feel the air coming inside my lungs again, nonetheless, I kept my gaze to the ground to avoid their questioning glance and to avoid Kuroki's meaningful gaze.

"She loves you…" he spat.

"She will give everything to you…"

"She wanted to pursue her career because of you…"

"And this? This is how you are going to pay her back?"

Kuroki's words opened the wound in my pride. I'm not aware if he saw me flinched but something told me that he will never care even if he noticed it.

"She said she wanted to die…"

"She said she was hurting so much that she didn't want to live anymore… Can't you see Chiaki? She loves you that much! And what did you do? Broke her heart again! You could've explained it to her or better, pretend to love her as much as she does! But you are selfish! Too damn selfish!"

It was amazing that his words physically hurt me and it didn't usually happened that I have nothing to say, to think that this argument had plenty of audience. The shame. The irony.

Why did it come to this?

"Where is she?" I managed to ask, aware that my voice sounded small and embarrassed.

A sarcastic snort came from Kuroki and I unconsciously wet my dry lips.

"I don't know. Maybe she was at her way to the airport."

_What?_

My head craned up to look at him. My heart started to beat painfully beneath my chest and a fright formed at the pit of my stomach sending the hairs in my skin to stand up.

"Why is she there?" finally, I found some words to say.

A thin line formed on Kuroki's lips implying his disgusted on me.

"She didn't want to see you anymore. So she decided to leave Paris. To leave everything she had established here and to escape the pain you had done to her."

That crushed my heart. For some unknown reason, I felt anxiety taking over me. She is leaving? Why?

I know I had broken up with her but at least we were still at one place. At least we can still be friends? But why this? Was it too much?

"I…"

The word escaped my throat.

My mind was racing with thoughts as to what I should do next. It's true that I don't want to keep our relationship any longer but I also don't want her to leave. So the best thing that came up to me was to follow her at the airport.

Maybe, I could catch up to her.

"Rehearsal is cancelled today. I had important matters to handle." My voice came out loud but breaking nonetheless, I keep my resolve and leave them gaping at me.

My things were at my office and I planned on going there while ignoring the questioning stares of the rest of Roux-Marlet.

"I'll send you message about the schedule for the next rehearsal. Please, all of you go home…"

With those final words, I scrambled to my feet and made a run towards my office to get my things and leave. I didn't notice that Kuroki was following me until I got to my car and opened it.

"What have you done, Chiaki-kun?" He insisted, further stopping me from going inside my car.

This time, I looked at him. I don't know what expression I held. I don't know if my face revealed my feelings right now, all I know is that I am torn between fear and pain.

"I don't want you to be mad at me Kuroki." I finally said whilst holding my gaze on him. "But, I did the right thing. It pained me to end it but it will hurt her more if I continue to pretend that I will give the love she expects me to give—"

"What makes you think she was expecting? Because of the events that night? He interjected me.

It's almost rhetorical. Crude. But I don't hate him for that, actually, it made me hate myself more.

"I don't need to explain myself to you Kuroki. Especially now. Although I don't want to leave the things behind like this, I actually have no choice. It's up to you to judge me whether it came out wrong or right. You have known me for years and you have known what kind of man I am. One thing is for sure. Even though you don't truly believe it, I did it for her. I did it to not further open the wound I had started. At least now, still with the wound, I will be no longer there to make it worst…"

My speech was finished with a sigh and Kuroki just stared at me with blank expression. I don't know if I convinced him but right now, I don't care.

I move once again to move inside my car and when I see that he will no longer hold me back; I put on the seat belt and reach for the door.

"She loves you…"

I stopped closing the door. Kuroki's face was not expressed with anger anymore surprisingly, it looked sad and hurt.

The same hurt feeling stabbed my guts again and I swallowed but managed to whisper an inaudible: "I know…"

The car door that had been pended from closing was now closed and I start the engine to drive away from the place, without looking back.

* * *

I arrived at the airport after exactly fifty-seven minutes and consumed another several minutes in convincing the guards to let me in and have the information for Noda Megumi.

After some tough explanations and convincing, I made my way inside the check in area and cut the line and go straight for the clerk.

The clerk was an old strict-looking lady that gave me a raised eyebrow when I asked if Miss Noda Megumi had already checked in. She might have sensed my distress because even she did scrutinize me for so long, she still tend to her computer and search for the person I was asking for.

My heart throbbed with difficulty as I impatiently waited for her answer, praying to all Gods that Nodame was still here and not yet leaving.

The people on my back were grunting and yelling in protest but I don't pay them attention, the matter at hand was more important than trying to explain to them as to why I cut in the line.

What seems like eternity…

"Miss Noda had already boarded the first flight to Japan. It had left for about thirty minutes ago."

It was like something had punched me hard on my stomach and I felt my heart sinking at my feet. My throat was clogging and I can't breathe properly. It also doesn't help that my heart was pounding and it hurts.

Strangely, it hurts so fucking much.

"Oh…" I breathed, feeling weak suddenly.

The people in the line start yelling at me and they tried to give me their glares, but again, I don't pay them any mind. I went my way and didn't even thank the clerk for giving me the information I was looking for. The only thing that I was feeling was a very painful twinge in my heart.

I'm not aware that I was already walking my way out if not for the sight of my car. Seeing my car made me think that I had no place to go.

A feeling of loneliness and sadness creep inside me.

Who would've known that that mongoose woman can affect me this much?

Maybe not me. Because I always underestimated her. Always underestimating everything about her, including my feelings. Including my love.

My thoughts dragged my body inside the car and the lonely feeling of not knowing where to go overwhelmed me once again.

But I can't stay here. She will move on, and I will try my best to do the same, although from the start, I know that I don't deserve relief.

I start to ignite the engine, wanting to leave as soon as possible.

* * *

Tonight, I was in my apartment, looking down from my window, admiring the view of Paris while holding a glass of wine in my right hand. It was my seventh glass of liquor, or was it my eighth? I don't know, I'm not counting it but I'm sure I had already consumed a lot of amount because my vision were slurring and my head was making this buzzing sound. I feel light headed. I feel buoyant.

And yet...

I didn't feel right. My apartment was quite. My cellular phone wasn't even beeping for calls and text messages and my being was strangely empty.

It feel so, so lonely.

A sigh escaped my lips as I walk backwards, trying to look for a chair to ease the aching of my legs because of standing for so long.

I got on the sofa and fully inclined myself. My vision was slightly whirling and the buzzing in my head became much louder. I gaze at the ceiling but my mind didn't comprehend the view because an image of Nodame suddenly appeared from my mind.

I didn't bother to erase it because I know that it will be futile. She would remain in my mind for who knows how long…

It was my fault if I will miss her terribly; after all, I am the one who pushed her away. I am the one who was afraid to tackle my own feelings for her. I am the one who robbed the feeling of being loved by someone whom she loved.

Another sigh escaped my lips. No matter how many terrible things had happened this day, I had already convinced myself that it was for the better.

She will move on and if ever I will follow her and talk her about coming back here in Paris, it will just make things worst because I knew that I will be still not ready to have a serious, labeled, relationship with her

Yes… for the hundredth time this night, I am still convincing myself into believing that this is for the best.

Sleepiness was coming into my senses and my eyelids became heavy. I fight the urge to close them for I know that slumber will immediately come and the couch was not a comfortable place to sleep in, so I tried to stand up and headed to the bedroom.

I slumped myself in the soft sheets on my bed and pain shoot my heart for the umpteenth. The sheets, it smelled like her. It feels like her.

The thought that it was factual, that she had really left for good and that the time when we will be seeing each other again was indefinite crunched up everything. Alcohol was not helping with my sanity because this loneliness was driving me crazy.

My hands found the sheet and I pulled it closer to myself, pretending that it was her with her scent and warmth.

I may have looked pathetic, hell I feel pathetic but I allowed myself to be this weak this time. No one is here and myself deserve pain to express because I had been a bastard to her.

My eyelids felt heavy and I'm ready to surrender myself in the world of slumber.

Tomorrow, everything was officially different, everything will be back to zero and everything that I accustomed for years will be different as the new normal will begin.

The new normal will begin upon Nodame's leaving, and no matter how much it is hard to grasp, I will, because like her, I should move on.

* * *

Reviews are still welcome. Actually, I badly need it because it was all up to readers if I should continue writing a story or not. I have not much to say so there you have it.

Please stay tuned!

Lav yah guys!


	10. Chapter 10: Start

**Author's Note:** Please be reminded that the sequel for this fic was now posted. It was entitled Torment:Requite. If you have time and wanted to refresh your memory, please read this before reading the sequel. Oh! And this chapter is edited! Thank you!

**Warning:**OOC-ness and grammatical errors. No one had wanted to beta-read me so I hope this will still be understandable for you guys.

**Disclaimer:**Nope, Nodame Cantabile is not mine.

**Epilogue**

A headache was forming and Shinichi pulled his reading glasses off his eyes to pinch the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. He looked at the clock. It reads one forty-five in the morning, meaning he had been working non-stop for four hours.

Because of tiredness, he inclined his body and leaned his pounding head over the back of his swivel chair. He closed his eyes trying to relax but his mind still wonders to the recent event he had encountered that day, and that memory made him restless…

"_Chiaki-kun!" Theo called while running toward him and waving some papers in his hand._

_Shinichi looked at his direction for a minute before returning his attention to the work on hand. He didn't need to ask what brought Theo there because likely, he will tell him whatever he needed to inform him before he even ask._

"_Chiaki-kun." Theo called again once he was in front of him, a little breathless from running._

"_Yes Theo?" Shinichi replied still focusing on his work._

"_I've got this invitation for Roux-Marlet!" he exclaimed._

_Shinichi might not looked like interested but he is genuinely pleased that the Orchestra was recently receiving large number of invitations, a clear sign that they were establishing a rather good status. "Really?" he asked, "from whom?"_

_Theo smiled. "The NHK Symphony Orchestra!" he exclaimed obviously excited. "They are planning to present the Roux-Marlet in Japan. Obviously, classical music is becoming a great interest for Japanese. I think it will be a great opportunity!"_

_Shinichi felt something tug on the strings of his memories that were painfully pushing him to remind someone. Concealing his act, he turned his back to Theo to pick a book from the shelves._

"_Yes. That will be a great opportunity." He commented sounding blunt. "You should reply to them. Tell them we agree."_

_If Shinichi's reply is a little too plain for Theo's hearing, he didn't comment about it. After all, Shinichi had the right to be as plain as he wanted to, especially after Theo tells him the next news._

"_Also, the contract said that we should have a concerto with one of their prominent pianist." Theo continued._

_Shinichi noted that Theo's voice somehow turned from cheery and excited to small and hesitant. Carefully, he looked at the young man and noticed that he was tugging his collar and not looking at his direction._

_Curiosity rose so he set his book and papers on his table and turned to face him with one brow rising._

"_Really? Who?" Shinichi repeated his question from earlier, but this time, the interest is genuine._

_Theo looked at him and blushed. If he hadn't known better, Shinichi thought he heard him squeak. He didn't mind it though, what he needed was the answer to suffice his curiosity._

"_It's… It was Noda Megumi."_

Shinichi bite his lips to hold back a groan. He never expected that a fateful thing like this will actually come to his life. Destiny and fate should happen to wishful thinkers that believed, not with people like him that were rational. But why is this really happening?

His arm came across his eyes. No matter how much he think that this will be alright, that he had moved on and his meeting with her will be nothing, he knew that he was just fooling himself. So many things had not been settled when they separated, a bitter and full of pain separation.

Especially in Nodame's part.

Grunting once more, he sat up straight, put his reading glass on and pulled his laptop in front of him.

He opens the internet browser and positions his hands on the keyboard to type, but finding himself not being able to move his fingers. He was still very hesitant.

For the past four years, he had never heard anything about Nodame or rather, he avoided himself to know or hear anything about her even though she was haunting his dreams some times. Maybe guilty was still living with him for these past years.

Yes, maybe.

Taking a deep breath, Shinichi let his fingers slide over the keyboard to type that nostalgic name.

Noda Megumi.

The results are plenty and good percentage of it came from articles and blogs describing how great of a pianist she is. He never had the slightest idea that she is this popular in Japan now.

For a minute, Shinichi stay stunned. He can't believe his eyes especially the competitions she had won if not first place then at least the second.

She had won the Hamamatsu International Competition, the 7th Ahorn Piano Competition, the International Tchaikovsky Piano Competition and the International Chopin Piano Competition.

Shinichi was amazed with the competitions she had won and the remarks she got from fans and critics. Nodame really had excelled a lot.

He had read every article, blog post and news there is about her like an avid fan but he stopped at one web page of a fan's blog where there are compilations of Nodame's recent pictures.

No matter how much Shinichi told himself that he had moved on, his eyes are betraying him because he can't take his eyes off the image of her.

To say that Nodame had change is an understatement. She didn't change; she became a new person, almost unrecognizable.

Her plump figure reduced to a more fit body. The curves she had before are emphasized more and there's an impression that her confidence had boosted in such a way he never thought she will comprise.

Her face had matured as well. It became more narrowed and pointed but if anything, she became more beautiful. Although most of her features screamed maturity, her eyes remained as innocent as he remembered. The combination was stunningly perfect but he didn't know why it feels empty looking at her like this.

Clicking another picture – the one with her recent piano concerto -, Shinichi leaned his face closer to the laptop and put his chin under his hand. For a long time, he just looked at her photograph and that nagging empty feeling increase its burden in his mind.

Her usual pout when playing piano is no longer there –as per his conclusion upon stumbling in numerous photographs in competitions and concertos- and she no longer smile like the way she did, a toothy grin. It was replaced with a demure close-lips smile.

It was so Un-Nodame like.

Sighing, Shinichi closed his laptop and decided that it will be all for the night. He removed his eye glasses once again and turned off the lights to get ready for bed.

After doing his task, he plopped himself over his bed and wait for sleep to come.

Unfortunately, sleep wasn't coming although his body and mind were so tired. Apparently, the images of Nodame are keeping him awake.

Shinichi stay still, thinking, reminiscing, remembering. He hasn't done this for the past years but this time is different. He had agreed to the invitation of NHK, meaning he had agreed to have a concerto with Nodame.

God! How many times did she dream of it happening before? What will she feel now that they will perform together?

_The Golden Pair._

It is happening too fast and Shinichi didn't have anytime to back pedal.

"_Maybe if you refuse the invitation then you won't be caught in this web again…"_a small part of his mind said.

Shinichi's jaw hardened and he grit his teeth. It was true, he did have a choice but obviously, he didn't took that approach.

Sighing once more, Shinichi rubbed his eyes wanting desperately for sleep to overcome him. When finally he can feel himself surrendering to the sweet slumber, Shinichi's mind told him one thing and he can't hide the fact that he is strongly agreeing with it.

_I just want to see her again…_

Again, the sequel was ready! See yah there!

-Hislips


	11. Epilogue

**Author's Note:** Please be reminded that the sequel for this fic was now posted. It was entitled Torment:Requite. If you have time and wanted to refresh your memory, please read this before reading the sequel. Oh! And this chapter is edited! Thank you!

**Warning:**OOC-ness and grammatical errors. No one had wanted to beta-read me so I hope this will still be understandable for you guys.

**Disclaimer:**Nope, Nodame Cantabile is not mine.

**Epilogue**

A headache was forming and Shinichi pulled his reading glasses off his eyes to pinch the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger. He looked at the clock. It reads one forty-five in the morning, meaning he had been working non-stop for four hours.

Because of tiredness, he inclined his body and leaned his pounding head over the back of his swivel chair. He closed his eyes trying to relax but his mind still wonders to the recent event he had encountered that day, and that memory made him restless…

"_Chiaki-kun!" Theo called while running toward him and waving some papers in his hand._

_Shinichi looked at his direction for a minute before returning his attention to the work on hand. He didn't need to ask what brought Theo there because likely, he will tell him whatever he needed to inform him before he even ask._

"_Chiaki-kun." Theo called again once he was in front of him, a little breathless from running._

"_Yes Theo?" Shinichi replied still focusing on his work._

"_I've got this invitation for Roux-Marlet!" he exclaimed._

_Shinichi might not looked like interested but he is genuinely pleased that the Orchestra was recently receiving large number of invitations, a clear sign that they were establishing a rather good status. "Really?" he asked, "from whom?"_

_Theo smiled. "The NHK Symphony Orchestra!" he exclaimed obviously excited. "They are planning to present the Roux-Marlet in Japan. Obviously, classical music is becoming a great interest for Japanese. I think it will be a great opportunity!"_

_Shinichi felt something tug on the strings of his memories that were painfully pushing him to remind someone. Concealing his act, he turned his back to Theo to pick a book from the shelves._

"_Yes. That will be a great opportunity." He commented sounding blunt. "You should reply to them. Tell them we agree."_

_If Shinichi's reply is a little too plain for Theo's hearing, he didn't comment about it. After all, Shinichi had the right to be as plain as he wanted to, especially after Theo tells him the next news._

"_Also, the contract said that we should have a concerto with one of their prominent pianist." Theo continued._

_Shinichi noted that Theo's voice somehow turned from cheery and excited to small and hesitant. Carefully, he looked at the young man and noticed that he was tugging his collar and not looking at his direction._

_Curiosity rose so he set his book and papers on his table and turned to face him with one brow rising._

"_Really? Who?" Shinichi repeated his question from earlier, but this time, the interest is genuine._

_Theo looked at him and blushed. If he hadn't known better, Shinichi thought he heard him squeak. He didn't mind it though, what he needed was the answer to suffice his curiosity._

"_It's… It was Noda Megumi."_

Shinichi bite his lips to hold back a groan. He never expected that a fateful thing like this will actually come to his life. Destiny and fate should happen to wishful thinkers that believed, not with people like him that were rational. But why is this really happening?

His arm came across his eyes. No matter how much he think that this will be alright, that he had moved on and his meeting with her will be nothing, he knew that he was just fooling himself. So many things had not been settled when they separated, a bitter and full of pain separation.

Especially in Nodame's part.

Grunting once more, he sat up straight, put his reading glass on and pulled his laptop in front of him.

He opens the internet browser and positions his hands on the keyboard to type, but finding himself not being able to move his fingers. He was still very hesitant.

For the past four years, he had never heard anything about Nodame or rather, he avoided himself to know or hear anything about her even though she was haunting his dreams some times. Maybe guilty was still living with him for these past years.

Yes, maybe.

Taking a deep breath, Shinichi let his fingers slide over the keyboard to type that nostalgic name.

Noda Megumi.

The results are plenty and good percentage of it came from articles and blogs describing how great of a pianist she is. He never had the slightest idea that she is this popular in Japan now.

For a minute, Shinichi stay stunned. He can't believe his eyes especially the competitions she had won if not first place then at least the second.

She had won the Hamamatsu International Competition, the 7th Ahorn Piano Competition, the International Tchaikovsky Piano Competition and the International Chopin Piano Competition.

Shinichi was amazed with the competitions she had won and the remarks she got from fans and critics. Nodame really had excelled a lot.

He had read every article, blog post and news there is about her like an avid fan but he stopped at one web page of a fan's blog where there are compilations of Nodame's recent pictures.

No matter how much Shinichi told himself that he had moved on, his eyes are betraying him because he can't take his eyes off the image of her.

To say that Nodame had change is an understatement. She didn't change; she became a new person, almost unrecognizable.

Her plump figure reduced to a more fit body. The curves she had before are emphasized more and there's an impression that her confidence had boosted in such a way he never thought she will comprise.

Her face had matured as well. It became more narrowed and pointed but if anything, she became more beautiful. Although most of her features screamed maturity, her eyes remained as innocent as he remembered. The combination was stunningly perfect but he didn't know why it feels empty looking at her like this.

Clicking another picture – the one with her recent piano concerto -, Shinichi leaned his face closer to the laptop and put his chin under his hand. For a long time, he just looked at her photograph and that nagging empty feeling increase its burden in his mind.

Her usual pout when playing piano is no longer there –as per his conclusion upon stumbling in numerous photographs in competitions and concertos- and she no longer smile like the way she did, a toothy grin. It was replaced with a demure close-lips smile.

It was so Un-Nodame like.

Sighing, Shinichi closed his laptop and decided that it will be all for the night. He removed his eye glasses once again and turned off the lights to get ready for bed.

After doing his task, he plopped himself over his bed and wait for sleep to come.

Unfortunately, sleep wasn't coming although his body and mind were so tired. Apparently, the images of Nodame are keeping him awake.

Shinichi stay still, thinking, reminiscing, remembering. He hasn't done this for the past years but this time is different. He had agreed to the invitation of NHK, meaning he had agreed to have a concerto with Nodame.

God! How many times did she dream of it happening before? What will she feel now that they will perform together?

_The Golden Pair._

It is happening too fast and Shinichi didn't have anytime to back pedal.

"_Maybe if you refuse the invitation then you won't be caught in this web again…"_a small part of his mind said.

Shinichi's jaw hardened and he grit his teeth. It was true, he did have a choice but obviously, he didn't took that approach.

Sighing once more, Shinichi rubbed his eyes wanting desperately for sleep to overcome him. When finally he can feel himself surrendering to the sweet slumber, Shinichi's mind told him one thing and he can't hide the fact that he is strongly agreeing with it.

_I just want to see her again…_

Again, the sequel was ready! See yah there!

-Hislips


End file.
